i would

suede sunken couch and fuzzy throws and hot cocoa, late Friday night and lazy, aimless talk and beautiful girls, soft dew skin and symmetry to their faces and intelligent lilt to their voice and 

me. everything and nothing.

if i could snap my fingers and turn invisible, i would.

shrink pocket size and inscrutable and perch on their shoulder, i would.

melt bone and iron, and become inanimate, shameless and uncontaminated and flawless-

i would.

if i could take my life, take my life with a clean break, a silver snip of the ribbons, and not hurt anyone, my gorgeous friends sipping hot drinks and laughing about boys and law school, i would.

if my departure would not leave a dent, if i wouldn’t love this damn world and all the people nestled in my memories and my soul- if i could only wipe the slate clean, all the powerful pieces of existence, i would.

i would tell you everything, if i knew how.

i would cut through my skin to show you my sorry soul, i would let you fix everything, i would trust you, if i knew how- then i would.

i would bring you my sore stories to soothe, if i knew how to hold them. i would whisper to you the Unspeakable, over shots of whiskey and your scent in the air and your silence a balm… i would.

i would laugh so free, so loud, so much, if i knew how.

i would hug without inhibition, and smile wide and free, and bare my face without thinking of its nakedness and all the ugliness stamped onto my skin, if i knew how.

i wish i could tell you all how much you all mean to me, but i don’t know how.

i wish i could tell you all how much it hurts, but i don’t know how.

i would whip the hell out of life with my living, but i don’t know how.

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